Edward’s Story
The emotional roller coaster of prostate cancer
Edward, 55, was diagnosed with localised prostate cancer in October 2023, 6 months later he had surgery to remove his prostate. Here he shares his experience, the emotional challenges and his journey with counselling.
My diagnosis
When I was diagnosed, I didn’t have any symptoms and hadn’t really thought about my prostate. After losing my partner of 27 years in August 2023, I reflected on my life and health, deciding to have a PSA blood test. I’d never had one before, but it was something people talked about, so I thought “why not”? The diagnosis was a complete shock for me and was the start of an emotional roller coaster combining both the diagnosis and my ongoing grief for my partner.
Deciding to have surgery
I was offered surgery or radiotherapy with hormone therapy, although surgery was recommended. It was a tough decision for me, and I spent some time weighing the side effects to see which would impact me the most. Although everyone is different, as a newly single gay man the likely impacts of each option for me were probably less typical than for other prostate cancer patients.
However, my advice to other men when it comes to deciding on a treatment is to ask any and all questions you have, no matter how intimate and personal - they've heard them all before and simply talking about your concerns can be really positive and powerful.
Support from those around me
Initially, I was quite selective about who I told about my diagnosis. Over time, I became more open, discussing it at work and with friends. The feedback that I got from others who’ve experienced similar situations (or know of someone who has) has been quite liberating! Although discussing topics like incontinence and sex can be awkward and not something that you would ordinarily talk about, people have been really supportive.
You may feel at first you don’t need anyone, but you’ll reach a point where you do need someone! Thinking about who that will be beforehand can help! Your support needs change throughout the journey, from answering questions, to practical support and also emotional support.
Sexual side effects and my identity
Some of the side effects of surgery can impact your sense of identity and manhood. At 55, I like to think that I’m still in my prime and these side effects challenged that.
Sex and relationships
As a single gay man, the sexual side effects (for example, erectile dysfunction and loss of ejaculation) felt more significant to me than the urinary incontinence ones and I was concerned about how this would impact my quality of life. With not being in a committed, monogamous relationship I was concerned that I would have to repeatedly explain my circumstances to future sexual partners which would be off-putting for both of us.
Although my erectile function is improving I have at least in the medium term changed to receiving anal sex more than giving it; but I still worry about discussing my cancer and struggle with confidence to start a relationship with someone or have sex, but I’m hoping with time this will get easier.
Talking about my sexual problems
I’ve become more comfortable talking about my sexual problems with others and it helps when I verbalise them. By saying it out loud to yourself or others, you’re somehow owning the conditions and the side effects. Saying “I have erectile dysfunction” is something I never would have said before but when I talked openly about it, it got easier. This is still sometimes a big hurdle. Sometimes I worry about offending people, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised by their reactions and how comfortable I now feel discussing it.
Looking after my emotional health
Talk about your feelings
Talking about feelings is challenging, especially during low periods or depression. It’s easier to talk about it when you are feeling strong, but talking about emotions and feelings in the moment can be very helpful!
I often compare my struggles to others and feel guilty, but I remind myself that my feelings are valid and important. I try to be kind to myself and not let my thoughts spiral out of control.
There are times when it's good to speak to people you know and trust, and other times when it's good to speak to strangers. Find someone you can trust, it could be a friend, family member or a professional, and talk to them.
During dark nights I have used Samaritans in the past. When I was at the final point in the storm mentally, it was nice to have somebody to answer the phone. They can’t wave a magic wand and make it all go away, but it helps to break the cycle in your head. Someone to snap you out of your own head for a second can help bring some perspective.
Pacing yourself
When I get tired, mentally I can struggle. My mood can drop and the cycle of negative emotions sneak back in. When it happens, I try not to do too much and not to get too tired. I try to pace myself to avoid hitting a mental wall and keep things in perspective.
It’s about pacing yourself. And talking to people about your thoughts and feelings you know, getting other perspectives on it.
What counselling has done for me
Counselling has been an absolute lifeline for me. I'm certainly an advocate for counselling. I’ve had the same counsellor for 14 years now and have seen her on and off over during this time.
What we talk about
It’s changed over the years at times it’s been crisis management at times when I’ve struggled with depression, and it’s also switched to more life coaching. During crisis management, we’ve talked about job changes and financial worries, as well as during the time Peter was unwell, his passing and now my prostate cancer.
Lately, we've been talking about my diagnosis. We are also exploring my identity, after everything that happened it’s sort of redefining who I am a little, so specific things. Quite often I've gone into it thinking I've not got a lot to talk about, but actually it's amazing having someone not really close to you to whom you can talk. She challenges the way I’m thinking and unpacks what I say a little bit more.
There are different ways to access counselling, I initially got counselling through my workplace, and I know lots of employers now have workplace welfare in place.
Talking to a counsellor or anyone for that matter can help validate your feelings, each time you tell you to unpack a little more so from that perspective it’s been great for me!
Getting Support
You can find out more about accessing therapy or counselling on the Mind Website.
Being diagnosed and living with prostate cancer impacts not only your physical health but also affects your thoughts and emotions. We've created a wellbeing hub to help support you, and those close to you, in looking after your emotional and mental health.
Looking for support from other people going through a similar experience?
You can speak to other people and share experiences our online community, through our one-to-one support service, or in a support group.
