Thoughts and feelings

It’s difficult to hear that your treatment isn’t working and you may be nearing the end of your life. Even if you’ve been living with prostate cancer for years, it can still be a shock.

It might be hard for you and your family to accept that you’re dying. Some men find they think about their life more and try to find meaning in it. These can be difficult thoughts to deal with.

Your prostate cancer or treatment may also be causing physical problems. This might make you feel dependent on other people and that you're not in control.

What can help?

Give yourself time – it can take a while to process the news that you’re approaching the end of your life. 

It can help to think about what is happening and how you're feeling about it. Some men want time by themselves or with a family member or close friend. 

You may have questions for your doctor or nurse about your situation and what to expect. It can help to write your questions down before you meet with them. Some men find it helps to take a family member or friend with them.

Talking to someone about what is happening can help you deal with the news. You could talk to a family member or friend. Or you could talk to someone who understands what you’re going through in a support group, on our online community or through our one-to-one support service. It can also help to talk to someone who’s trained to listen, like a counsellor.

Some men feel that their prostate cancer could have been diagnosed earlier. Some men regret decisions they made about their treatment. This can make them feel angry, frustrated, or regretful. 

Advanced prostate cancer and the side effects of treatment can cause physical problems. These can be difficult to manage. You might feel angry or frustrated about how your cancer and treatment has affected your life. 

Some men find that they feel more angry in general and get annoyed easily. 

What can help?

Talking about your anger can help you understand why you’re angry. You could talk to your family and friends about how you’re feeling. It can also help to talk to someone who’s trained to listen, like a counsellor.

If you feel angry or are getting annoyed easily, you could be depressed. It’s important to tell your doctor or nurse how you are feeling. They can help you get the support you need.

If you have questions about your diagnosis or treatment, it can help to write them down and ask your doctor or nurse about them. You could explain to them that having answers will help you deal with what is happening.

Reading more about prostate cancer symptoms and diagnosis could help. Most men don’t have any symptoms until their prostate cancer has spread around their body (advanced prostate cancer). And some men with advanced prostate cancer don’t have symptoms before they are diagnosed.

Managing your side effects can also help. You might be able to manage some side effects yourself. And your doctor or nurse may be able to help you as well. Read more about treatment side effects and how to manage them.

Talking about approaching the end of your life and dying can help you process what is happening and feel less alone. It can also help your family and friends prepare themselves.

But knowing how to tell people that your treatment isn’t working or that you’re dying can be difficult. You might worry about how they’ll react and if you’ll upset them.  

What can help?

There’s no right or wrong way to talk about dying. How you talk about it will depend on your situation and your relationship with the person you’re talking to. Take time to think about the best way to talk to your family and friends.

Think about the time and place where you want to talk. It can help to be in a calm environment. If you’re able to walk around, some people find that talking while you’re going for a walk can make the conversation less confrontational.

Try to make sure you both have enough time to say the things you want to say and listen to each other.

Remember that the person you are talking to may have similar questions and worries to you. They may find it a relief to be able to talk about their thoughts and feelings. It’s important to listen to them too – understanding what they are thinking can help.

How to start a conversation

You could prepare the other person for the conversation by letting them know you want to talk about something serious. For example you could say, “I want to talk to you about something that might be difficult” or “Can we talk about my prostate cancer?”.

You might want to share what you’ve been thinking and see how the other person responds. For example you could say, “I’m worried about what will happen in the future”, “I’ve been thinking about what might happen if I get seriously ill” or “I’m worried about how long I have left to live”.

If you’re not sure whether the other person wants to talk about something, you could ask them. For example you could say, “I’ve been thinking about where I’d like to be cared for if I become really unwell. Can I talk about it with you?”

The other person might not know how to respond straight away. So it can help to give them time to think about having a conversation. For example you could say, “At some point, I’d like to go through my Will so that you know what I’d like to happen after I die. Can we talk about it sometime?”

You could let the other person know that they can ask you about things in the future, so that you keep communicating about things. For example you could say, “You can talk to me if you have questions or worries about things” or “I know that some things are difficult to talk about, like what will happen if I get more ill or after I die. But it’s okay to talk about these things with me if you want to.”

If you need support to have these conversations, ask your doctor or nurse for advice.

Find out more about talking about dying on the Dying Matters website.

It can be difficult to know what to expect as you approach the end of your life. You might be worried about what will happen, especially if you’re hearing a lot of this information for the first time. 

You may worry about physical problems, such as being sleepy or in pain. And you might be concerned about the effect these problems could have on those around you.

What can help? 

You might find it helpful to find out about what to expect. It can help you prepare for what could happen.

It can also help to write down questions or thoughts you have. You could talk about them with your doctor or nurse, or someone close to you. And it can help to talk to a professional counsellor.

Some men find it helpful to talk to their doctor about things in their life they can have control over. This might include setting small realistic goals for the future and planning things to look forward to. 

Read more about what to expect.

Some men worry about how they will be looked after towards the end of their life. It may be important to you that you’re not in pain, you’re surrounded by the people you love, and you have privacy and dignity. 

What can help?

Thinking and planning ahead can help you get support in the coming weeks or months. It can help you get control over how and where you will be cared for. It can also help make things easier for your family and friends when you’re nearing the end of your life. 

Read more about planning your care.