Supporting someone who is approaching the end of their life

Talking about feelings can help get things out in the open and make you both feel less anxious.

There’s no right or wrong way to talk about end of life care or dying. How you talk about it will depend on your situation and your relationship with your loved one. Take time to think about the best way to talk to them.

If you haven’t had difficult conversations in the past, it can be really hard to start these types of conversations. But it is good to try, as many people do find it useful to talk.

Think about the time and place where you want to talk about things. It can help to be in a calm environment. Try to make sure you both have enough time to say the things you want to say and to listen to each other.

Remember that your loved one may have similar questions and worries as you. They may find it a relief to be able to talk about their thoughts and feelings. It’s important to listen to them too – understanding what they are thinking can help.

How to start a conversation

You could ask gentle questions to see whether the person is ready to talk. For example you could say, “How are you feeling about the future?” and see how they respond.

You could prepare the other person for the conversation by letting them know you want to talk about something serious. For example you could say, “I want to talk to you about something that might be difficult” or “Can we talk about your prostate cancer?”.

You might want to share what you’ve been thinking and see how your loved one responds. For example you could say, “I’m worried about what will happen in the future”, “I’ve been thinking about what might happen if you get seriously ill” or “I’m worried about how long you might have left to live”.

If you’re not sure whether the other person wants to talk about something, you could ask them. For example you could say, “I’ve been thinking about where and how you might want to be cared for if you become really unwell. Can I talk about it with you?”

Your loved one might not know how to respond straight away. So it can help to give them time to think about having a conversation. For example you could say, “At some point, I’d like to talk about what happens if you need more care. Can we talk about it sometime?”

You could let your loved one know that they can ask you about things in the future, so that you keep communicating about things. For example you could say, “You can talk to me if you have questions or worries about things” or “I know that some things are difficult to talk about. You know it’s okay to talk about these things with me if you want to.”

If you need support to have these conversations, ask your doctor or nurse for advice

Some people find they need some help to open up and say how they are feeling. Talking to another person, such as a friend, health professional or counsellor, might be helpful.

If he doesn’t want to talk

Some men feel that they can cope on their own and don’t want to talk. You might find this frustrating or upsetting.

Some men may be going through the process of accepting that their treatment isn’t working. They might feel disbelief, denial and shock. They might find it hard to take in information about their cancer or accept help.

You could let him know that you are there for him if he needs anything or decides that he does want to talk about things.

If he does start to talk, try to help him think about what he wants, rather than telling him what he should do. You can do this by asking questions and listening to what he says.

Sometimes he might feel that he wants to talk to someone but not you. That could be someone who understands what he is going through in a support group, on our online community or through our one-to-one support service

If he wants to talk but you don't, you could try talking to someone else first. Remember that you are dealing with your own feelings too.

Thoughts and feelings

When someone you love dies, it can be very upsetting and distressing. Grief is very personal and everyone grieves differently.

Most people feel shock and numbness to begin with. You might feel a sadness that feels almost like a physical pain. Or you might feel anger, guilt, depression or longing. Some people feel very tired, anxious, have little appetite or have problems sleeping. It can also be stressful to sort out practical and financial things. You may cry a lot or not at all.

These feelings will usually get better over time.

If you’re not managing to do tasks like shopping, cooking or housework, this could be a sign that you need more support from family, friends or health professionals.

Everyone grieves differently and there is no ‘normal’ or ‘right’ way to feel. But if you feel sad or low a lot of the time, you could be depressed. It’s important to tell your doctor or nurse how you are feeling. They can help you get the support you need.

Getting support

Some people find it helpful to talk about the person who has died. Others want to talk about their memories of the person and their feelings about what has happened.

Many people cope with help and support from family and friends. Others find it helps to talk to someone who is trained to listen, such as your doctor or a bereavement counsellor.

You might find it helpful to speak to other people who have lost a loved one. You could meet people at a support group, on our online community, or talk to someone through our one-to-one support service.

The following organisations might help you.

• Cruse Bereavement Care offers information and telephone, email and face-to-face support.
• Way up is an online community for those widowed in their 50s or 60s.
• The Good Grief Trust has information and signposts to local support.

If you feel like you need more support, tell your doctor or nurse. They can help you get the support you need.

Supporting someone who is grieving

It’s difficult to know how to support someone when a person close to them has died. It can be especially hard if you were also close to the person who died.

It can help to stay in touch with the person and let them know you’re there for them. You could offer emotional support and practical help, such as going to the shops or helping with things around the house. Don’t avoid them, as they may be feeling very alone.

If, after a few months, they are not managing everyday tasks, such as housework, shopping or cooking, this could be a sign that they’re not coping. You could encourage them to speak to their doctor or go to the doctor with them.

Read more about how to help someone who has lost a loved one from Cruse Bereavement Care. The charity Winston’s Wish has more information about talking to children who are grieving.